Saturday, June 15, 2013

Damn You Catherine Zeta-Jones

And not for that time you said "I know a million dollars is a lot of money to most people, but to us it's just not."

No, I'm mad at you because even with your five luxury homes, full time staff, and measly "millions" of dollars, you still checked into a seaside care center to manage your bipolar, which essentially means the rest of us with our overflowing pockets filled with tens of dollars are totally screwed. 

I mean, I guess I am grateful she was so graciously public about her ongoing management of bipolar, but mostly I'm mad that even she can't "fix" this, or at least keep it private using the Scrooge McDuck swimming pool of gold coins she keeps in the basement. 

...

Do you know what they call two overlapping conditions? Co-morbid. Isn't that MORBID?! What's wrong with co-existing? Or even conjoined? Like some amazing three armed two headed goat, but we get co-morbid? It makes me feel like a slab of grey human in the morgue of those ABC crime shows. 

The fact is, ADHD is kind of like one of those sleazy characters on Melrose Place that will sleep with anyone. ADHD and OCD? Oh yeah, they hook up all the time. They would probably hook up more but they spend a lot of time washing their hands and then forgetting why they were washing their hands. I assume ADHD and ODD have a lot of angry make out sessions. But ADHD/bi-polar? They are so sleazy I assume they must have thousands of secret love children. ADHD will totally be your baby mama.

I'm telling you this because when you start down the road of ADHD awareness, it's suddenly not good enough that you've become willing to accept it as part of your life, but suddenly you have to consider all these other lovers. No one told us it was a package deal, and I would really prefer a monogamous relationship with one mental illness if that's alright. I mean, I'm Mormon but I'm not THAT Mormon. 

Sigh. 

Okay, so finally I just accepted the pattern of highs and lows, seasons of feeling immortal followed by seasons of total despair, sometimes cycling through an entire year of seasons several times in a day. Although I should pause and mention the gift of ADHD with bipolar is preferable to me than what I have witnessed in singular bipolar. In the same way we can never make our brains be quiet to sleep, or watch a movie without fidgeting, it's also that non stop chatter that will talk you out of dangerous highs and lows. Because it seriously never shuts up. 

...

I tell you all of this because as my FB friends know, I went to check myself into the hospital yesterday because switching off the Resperidone sent my heart murmur into a tizzy and I couldn't feel my lips or feet or hands because of my low blood pressure, and for weeks I was having ten second rages where I didn't feel like myself, and as I got off the medicine that was causing that, they seemed to get worse and also added ten second hopeless fits that were not who I am. In between those fits, I felt nothing. Like a void of human emotion, and I wanted to care, sort of, but I didn't feel anything enough to want it that bad. 

Isn't that sad? Here I am taking medicines I'd rather not to try and be my best self and it turns me into a stranger and makes me dizzy. And the first two weeks of it were so great! I remember the week after I began taking it, such an overwhelming sense of clarity, and relief that I wasn't terrified anymore. After what we just went through with Russell and school, and being rejected from a stupid snobby school, then falling apart in his current school, to being on the maybe list for another great school, all the while dealing with his intense mood swings that usually lashed out at me with articulate specifics of my failures toward him... I was sort of living in a shell shocked place. The Resperidone was a God send those first couple weeks... until I got foggy and didn't notice it. And stared to change, and didn't notice it. And then became angry, and noticed it, but didn't know why. 

...

And now you have the background of what led me to the hospital yesterday, but what I haven't told you yet is that I didn't end up checking in. I might be a little cracked, but once they hooked me up with a mobile heart monitor and I had the overwhelming support of my family and friends I was able to step back, call my therapist and get over to her office. I turned myself and my bank account over to her, I don't have a money swimming pool! Together, she has helped Jon and I plan an affordable five day detox from the inpatient facility of my OWN bedroom. After our appt she sent me to acupuncture, then Jon and I had dinner and I came home and slept hard for twelve hours. 

This morning I was off to visit my psychiatrist, then back home where I am writing this. I am going to watch and follow a yoga breathing DVD when I'm done here, and then if my legs (which are still seizing with charlie horses from the withdrawal) will cooperate, I am going to the Angels vs Yankees game with Jon and his brother and wife. 

I'm just trying to breath. 

I just want to live. 

I can't do this without your support. 

Already our local friends have risen to the occasion in helping with the kids, my doctors have risen to the occasion by taking the time to really help me schedule this weekend and set me up with appropriate outpatient care, and my far away family and friends have lifted my spirits by their non judgmental and unconditional love and support. 

I should be embarrassed by this I guess, but I'm not. I WANT to share this with anyone interested enough to read it, because even though I resent her indifference to having oodles of monies, oh! and a PUBLICIST to carefully word everything for her, I'm glad Catherine Zeta Jones didn't try to fix this herself at the expense of her family, and that she isn't ashamed to admit we all need help sometimes. 

Some more than others...

Yeah. Of Sunshine.

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(p.s. they are totally worth it)

2 comments:

Sharron said...

Good job, my little girl! Keep up the amazing work, we are all walking with you. Love you and so proud of you!

Tara@Do These Kids Make Me Look Crazy? said...

I'm so proud of you.