Tuesday, September 4, 2012


I've gotten every job I've ever interviewed for. Well, except one time I responded to a help wanted ad for a graphic design position and when they asked about my degree’s I thought "Body temperature?" Although they still offered me a job making onsite deliveries so I didn't leave totally jobless from that gig either.

See? I could always GET the job, my problem was KEEPING it. There's a lot of reasons this is true, I have some ugly health issues with my kidneys and uterus that are SO fun to explain to your bosses, and then there is the part where my brain is like "Hello, thank you for calling tech support, can you please hold while I look up your account information..." and go get a donut... and maybe a drink... and whoa! Is that something shiny over there?!

It would be fair to say my actual 9 to 5 work force credentials are rather limp, but...

...then I got this one job.

It was so hard! My boss was equal parts charming and tyrant, the hours were insane, and the pay was good when you got the check on time, but sometimes I would have to wait a long time to cash it! For some reason I never seriously considered quitting, but there were a lot of times I thought I might get fired.

Then all of a sudden, I got good at it!

Like I said before, I interview well, but in jobs, life, even in my friendships, I often feel as though I make a great first impression... and then it's all down hill from there. I'm kind of a disappointing person to know I guess. Often I think this blog is my saving grace since I can come on here and lower the bar a little. Set achievable goals, spill the beans about mental illness, and slip in confessions about despised oral hygiene routines and lizard infestations.

For this particular job I was suddenly doing successfully, it was the opposite of my norm. In fact, I don't think I ever even interviewed for it? It was a referral from my husband that got me the job on the spot, and I never even had to go to any boring training. It was just BAM! Here's your baby, lady.

No really, HERE, take it. Your hired. Congratulations:

You're A Mom.

Who in their right mind would have given ME a baby? God? He knows how well I interview... and then WANDER OFF.

I wish I could say my learning curve wasn't 6 years, if this were high school I would have been held back twice! The first few years of Russell's life I was his best friend! And kind of a lousy mother. Then he turned 3 and whatever this ADHD thing is began showing its teeth in an earnest way. I may complain about ADHD on here, but I also credit it with being the relentless task that required someone like me to make choices about parenting I would not have made if I had a complacent child.

I hate it when women on Judge Judy cock their heads to the side and declare what good mothers they are. If you have to repeatedly TELL people you're a good mother, then you're probably not hitting all the marks, ya know? But this is my blog, and Russell is not going to JAIL, he's going to first grade! So I hope it's okay if I tell you I kind of feel like I'm being demoted from a job I just spent 7 years becoming really good at.

Jon says "Aren't you excited? 6 whole hours a day, five days a week!" Yes! Why-Eee-Essss!!! I am looking forward to it! But it's a complicated ripping feeling. I'm the PTA treasurer this year, and I'm sure I will find ways to volunteer in the class, and oh BOY! Alice and I are going to play! But one of my fears is stepping farther away from the chapter: Mother Of Very Young Children... of having more time to think about my own hopes and dreams and if I still have what it takes to make those come true. It's easy (and HARD) to surrender your life to the babies, but it makes it easy to forgive yourself for letting go of other dreams. I am about to run out of excuses to not be a better housekeeper, to not start writing full time, to not finally learn to play the friggin' guitar.

"When I have time..." my famous words of the last 7 years followed by fantasy:

...I will volunteer at a women's shelter just one day a week
...I will learn Spanish
...I will get a part time job at Anthropoligie
...I will be a regular blogger for an ADHD website
...I will paint my house myself!
...I will re-open my etsy store
...I will start doing yoga
...I will cook at home 6 days a week

I know all of that sounds kind of shallow, but my job is MOM. I want to pick stuff that compliments the only job I’ve ever been good at and am determined to do well. My particular feminist stand is to say “Watch me kick ass raising healthy functioning adults that provide for themselves and give back to their community!”

In truth, I assume what I will actually do until both kids are in school is spend most my time wrapping my brain around the tempo of Russell's school schedule, Alice's needs, while maybe sneaking in some reality tv with pink baby while we eat "healthy" potato chips and nap in a pile. Soon it will be the new normal and I will scoff at the idea I was going to have "too much time to think," but there will be a minute... when he walks up those stairs to class and I drive home in the quiet car with only sweet Alice chatter... and my brain will be screaming! "Where's Russell? I can't hear him! Did you put the matches where he can't reach them? Did you lock the paint drawer? Is he in Jon's office? He's at school? You got his medicine at the front desk? Did you remember his lunch? What?! Stop telling me to be quiet, don't you hear that? It's already TOO QUIET!!"

Wish me luck. It’s time for this kid to blast off!   :)

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Erin said...

I have no brain cells left right now, so I can't say anything clever, but this made me cry at work. These stinking kids! Seriously, you get good at it and then they go and change the ENTIRE game on you. I'm so excited for you and Russell. I'm also glad that you have to go through all of this before I do so I can call you and ask what the hell I'm supposed to be doing.

Sharron said...

ha ha ha, ha ha. this from your mother. someday you will understand this evil laughter when your truly beloved children post things that help you know they now get what you did for them, and how confusing it all was. also, you will need to stop denigrating yourself so that i can keep my newly-formed illusion that i was a great mom. also, you are utterly wrong when you say you are a disappointing person to know. the opposite is true, you start off awesome and then get 'AWESOMER'. just ask me, for all the ways you helped save me this summer, and this week! love you~

Tara@Do These Kids Make Me Look Crazy? said...

Ugh. I hate school. I hate that some other woman (yes, I'm sexist) gets to have my kid all those hours in a day and I don't.

But every time I think about homeschooling I remember that I'd be TERRIBLE at it. I'd just give them all As and then watch Dance Academy with them on Netflix.