Tuesday, May 1, 2012

No, YOU chill out.

You want to know what is awesome? The delightful sensation on the bottom of your bare foot when you discover another creatures dismembered body part. I don't know, let's say a freshly detached lizard tail? Which maybe you found while heading to the closet to snatch up a clean pair of socks by hopping across your shaggy brown and blue throw rug  (you know, the one that seemed like such a good idea in the store? And nowhere warned "this rug may also double as camouflage for one or more whole or half lizards") .

Then don't forget to add just enough of a squeal so your children can tell you to "chill out, mom."

Of course this experience is made especially awesome when an hour later, after enjoying a nice hot shower, you put on a towel, slide open the curtain, look down to step out... only to find you have just spent the last fifteen minutes naked with a tiny angry dinosaur scrambling around your now particularly unclothed feet.

Followed of course by my involuntary yipping and screaming, and I'm not ashamed to admit it, a minute or so of semi hysterical sobbing. What is happening to me?! I'm a COWGIRL. Tarantula's are my favorite aquarium friend, and pet rats are a-okay by me, but these lizards are bringing alive that old childhood feeling of the boogie man waiting to snatch my ankles from under the bed, and filling the small dark corners behind bookshelves or cereal boxes with ominous slithering possibilities.

I know, I know, there are lonely people all over the world who don't have anyone to shower with and I'm so ungrateful all the time, but never fear, if you would like THIS COMPANION in your shower:

...simply send me a self addressed envelope and he's ALL YOURS. Love Alissa

(and yes, the psychopath whisper at the end of the clip is me. What can I say? Dr. Lizardo makes me feel a little unstable.)

5 comments:

Erin said...

If I send you an addressed envelope will you really pick him up, place him in the envelope, lick the gluey part, close it, and send him my way? Because that would make it totally worth my time.

Sharron said...

You know that I am a lizard lover, but that little video is COMPLETELY creepy! You might have to put a tiny little muzzle on Spooky when she goes outside, I'm serious! It was funny before, but after this 17 seconds of horror, I believe a line has been crossed...

Sharron said...

Right here:

http://www.google.com/products/catalog?hl=en&qe=Y2F0IG11eg&qesig=GXP8wsQ5c8kvzbmaFXwnbw&pkc=AFgZ2tleK993zwn8dlLDAU0U_N07uoiyMdYWTZeBJDwY0-zlqTRS6nR_sgmvM3oKzp9Pgg59tEry9b1cofZFFs8ic3o56Um6WA&cp=7&gs_id=5&xhr=t&q=cat+muzzle&qscrl=1&nord=1&rlz=1T4ADFA_enUS409US410&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.,cf.osb&biw=1280&bih=671&ion=1&wrapid=tljp133593445201406&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=shop&cid=4353346416472079146&sa=X&ei=9L2gT7DsHofY2QXPsdTMCQ&sqi=2&ved=0CFEQ8gIwAQ#

Andrea said...

I like him. Not enough to shower with him, but his little creepy fingers are pretty cute.
Also, I didn't think I had the security letters enabled on my comments. Now I have to try to figure out how to turn them off from the new dashboard layout. I HATE that they are always changing it...)

Sharron said...

na naaa na na naaa, my cats CAUGHT the humongous aligator lizard that has been hiding in the house for 2 weeks! removed the tail, 'decomissioned' the tail's owner...