Thursday, May 24, 2012

Keeping Pace

Whew, I’m tired! Holy cow, I look at my facebook these days and I just feel like “Who is that girl?! She makes me want to take a nap.” But I can’t because that girl decided she needs to throw another double birthday bash extravaganza a week from Saturday with a bizarre theme. She keeps selling my “xbox time” to the “mommy clock” and I kind of want to strangle her for it! At least until she falls unconscious then maybe we can both get some rest.

I’m happy, things are busy and good, but there is also this other thing that eats at me all the time and I hope you guys will forgive me if I get real for a minute:

I am so tired of fighting with depression.

I really do like my life, but depression will not be reasoned with! And it hurts my feelings that enjoying myself usually involves the kicking and screaming of my psyche.

I don’t have a lot to say about this, I don’t even have any words of wisdom except I do think mind over matter is a real thing. I think it’s a part of your brain you have to exercise every single day and, with practice, you get better at knowing what the outcome of trying your best will be, even when you feel like the outcome will be misery. In the on and off therapy of my life I have been taught to avoid words like “always” or “never” so believe me when I say this next part: I never want to leave the house, but I am always  glad once I have.

That’s what I mean about exercising the part of your brain that knows better then your chemical imbalance.

We went to the live taping of the American Idol Finale yesterday and it was so great! But on the car ride home I felt irritated and sort of like crying. This happens to me when I’ve been going too hard for too many days, or after a big event that was filled with highs and now I have to swing back down to reality. I took my husband and gorgeous teenage cousins to the event, so it was interesting to talk with them in the car ride home about how it makes me jealous that there were thousands of people at that event, they got dressed up, they had a good time, then went home, they talked about how cool it was. The end.

For me, these kind of events overwhelm me, I want to just enjoy myself, but I can’t turn off the part of my brain that is always sucking up information, evaluating the present, the past and the future. Just shut up, brain! Rihanna is a hundred feet away from you and her back up dancers are wearing loincloths. Just shut up! So I do… and it’s better, and then the montage plays with our hopeful American Idol finalist and everything in their lives that have led up to this moment set to a perfect inspirational song, and I know I’m being manipulated along with the thousands of people in the audience and millions of viewers at home, but it works anyway and leaves me feeling daunted by the life choices I have before me to keep up with my life, raise my children well, and love my husband like we are in teenage fiction.

I’m not describing depression here, this would probably fall in line more with the racing thoughts of an ADD apple pie brain, just apply a well timed sprinkling of powered sugar depression then it probably becomes clear why I got a migraine and watched tv until 2am. Anything to distract myself from the whir of spinning wheels and the smell of crazy baked goods.

Sometimes it doesn’t do me any good to know better. That’s all. I’ll keep trying to do better, but I can’t make myself be someone calm. I will keep trying to think better, but I can’t turn down the noise in my head with the tv remote, sometimes the best I can do is just tune it out.

I don’t think my life is hard, I think life is hard. It’s why you can’t keep score and still be who you are supposed to be. You can’t compare your highs to other people’s lows, or your lows to other people’s highs, when at last each of our races have been run, not many people will walk to the rolling credits of their life without some scars of tragedy and some badges of triumph on their tender souls.

There I go, overthinking it again :) The show yesterday was awesome, the companions I went with were a joy to be with, and the opportunities that I have in my life are nothing to be scoffed at. If I have to trudge my way through the unreasonable blues to get where I’m going, I’m just so grateful the life I have worked hard to make continues to be worth getting up for everyday.

Thanks for reading this, now go have a good day! When Russell get’s home we are going to do homework and make rice crispy treats, and I’m certainly not gonna cry about that.


Christy said...

Alissa, Once again you are inspiring me to be better and try to power through the depression rather than letting it make me a prisoner of my bed and my head. Thanks so much for sharing your struggles with the rest of us so that we can benefit from your insights.

K said...

Have I mentioned lately how much I love how open you are on your blog? I would LOVE to talk to you sometime about what you are going through. I have slightly different struggles than you, but can fully relate to what you are talking about. I hope you beat the damned depression! I'm so sorry you have to deal with it!! Blah!

Alissa Rae King said...

Sister King, did you just say "damned"?! Thank you. I really needed that today :)

Alissa Rae King said...

Christy, you know how much I love you, and we both deserve better than our depression cages. I'm grateful for a sister in law who makes me feel brave and safe for sharing what I know a lot of people have to wrangle with. Love ya

Stefanie said...

I'm sorry :( Depression is a bitch that won't ever get the hint and leave us alone. But you're stronger than I am or will every be!

Sharron said...

I think you talk about this in a way that is really smart and very true. And I do think that we are beset by emotional highs and lows in our culture that our brains weren't really designed to roll with all the time, but the goodies are SO good we try to be ok with the plummets. I remember when you were little you developed your own philosophy that no matter how bad you might feel, if you just tried to smile somehow you would find yourself feeling better! You were, and are very smart. Now they have all this neuroscience, like in "Buddhas Brain" that kind of proves your theory. Doesn't mean life is gonna get suddenly easy but there are a few things that can help. I NEED to get your bday present to you!! love you~