Friday, April 20, 2012

You’ve got to learn to Slow Dance

Here you go, a song that may or may not make this post make more sense. It’s about slow dancing but it is by no means a slow song, and either way it always make me smirk.

I am not an overachieving type. One of the reasons I needed to take up blogging was simply to document the things I do accomplish so people won’t pay attention to that pile of stuff over there that I never plan on accomplishing. You know, like dishes.

Or college.

That being said, this last spring break I indulged in such a massive amount of not accomplishing anything that I may have broken some kind of record.

It. Was. Awesome.

Alright, here we go, I’m going to talk about my feelings. If you want to wait until the next post I promise a slideshow is in the works and you can skip all my wordy words in this post.

There’s this dead horse I’ve been beating around here about how intense and complicated the last three years have been, but since I’m quite fond of horses I’m going to skip that part and assume you kind of already know the bullet points. Let’s go back even further for a minute. I was unfortunately one of those ADD types who thrived on stupid drama in high school (you know, not even the good kind, just the sort that required a lot of teenage emoting), finally I moved away from home at 17 then scrambled around for a few years doing a radio show here and “some college” there, until I found my shelter in the arms of a fellow scrambler who I married ASAP so we could then scramble together to get him through school, even graduating valedictorian despite the massive amounts of time and money we were spending at the hospital with my all sorts of lovely debilitating abdominal issues. To this day I am not sure when my life ever wasn’t a series of moving from crisis to crisis.

It’s what keeps the human race going, right? It’s like we are hard wired to survive, to cross oceans, tame the wild west, continue to procreate even if it means gaining, I don’t know, seventy pounds and possibly giving birth in a teepee. That survival instinct probably explains why, for all the constant motion and ups and downs, the last decade of my life was happy. A lot of that has to do with being married to a good man who has always risen to the occasion for me, and then later for our children, but so much of it was discovering my own power by surviving things that seemed unbearable. I think I might sort of thrive in impossible situations. It’s when I get really present and thankful for the things that have in my hands right now. Kind of like how people describe near death experiences.

I think a lot of the space in our brains that used to keep us alive despite all the horrors of living, suddenly doesn’t know what to do with itself in the age of antibiotics, paved highways, and Costco. It’s probably why news tries to make itself so horrifying and why I was so instantly devoted to Katniss Evergreen in the Hunger games. Sure I couldn’t do anything to help our fictional heroine, but what I could do is disappear from reality for 48 hours and devour the story. It’s like my brain needed it. Especially sitting where I am right now in my personal “Happily Ever After” trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do with it.

Things got so wonderful and calm and I found myself looking around at everything I’ve ever wanted and so much more, and I lost my confidence. Or my identity a little bit. These last few months I haven’t even known how to blog without being a weird buzz kill because, honestly, what do I have to complain about?! ADHD? In a day and age where the resources at my disposal are not only plentiful, but the best they’ve ever been? No, it’s taken me some time to put my finger on my current crisis.

No crisis at all!

I know, go ahead and send your consolation cards to Boo-Hoo-Hoo King at Pathetic Street dot Org. Am I talking to myself or does anyone out there know what I’m talking about?

I can write this post today because I’m feeling much better (thank you very much :) Since the mean girl post, I’ve been consciously spending my time keeping small humans alive and working through my “no crisis” with more kindness to myself than usual (and the dark chocolate covered pretzels I keep in my freezer, of course). I’ve purposefully been keeping my plate a little empty of obligations and the most important thing I’m trying to learn is to stop comparing myself to others, good or bad, and to stop apologizing for the success’ of my life. I want YOU to be happy. I really do want Prince William and Kate Middleton to live happily ever after! And I have got to stop feeling weird about my own dreams coming true.

Now that my feet feel planted again, if I could sum up what I learned in my non crisis, it’s that I am not a person who has never suffered or been lost, and it’s not like I will never suffer or feel broken again, but as someone who likes a good underdog story if my life were a movie, I would root for myself!

Now as the speed of life picks up again I just hope I remember that! And to always make time for slow dancing. “It’s romantic!”


Erin said...

My dad told me during difficult times growing up that "It never gets easier than it is right now." Talk about a buzz kill, right? He told me this in high school, he told me this when Nic and I broke off our engagement, he told me this on my mission. And he was totally, completely, always right. Life just gets harder. But the hard is good. The hard means we're making progress. The hard in the past has always prepared me for the new hard in the future.

You wouldn't be living your Happily Ever After without having to fight so hard for it. And the fact that you are so consciously grateful is the icing on the cake. I hope you can enjoy your non-crisis--if any one has earned a moment to step back and feel joy for life, it's you and your family.

Hope that made any sense at all. Love you!

Andrea said...

I made cotton candy for four hours straight today. Life feels much easier right now than it did then! Now I am going to eat ice cream and watch an hour's worth of tv with my husband, and know that I have worked hard for it and I deserve it. I mean all of this both literally and metaphorically. You have earned it too, Love ya!

Marf said...

My tidbit of advice comes in the form of 6 little words I tell myself, or on occasion, my children. Seriously helps, and goes a little like this "the horse is dead, get off!" be happy while you can, and get off all those dead horses. Enjoy life when it is good!