Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Enough already.

I have a feeling this may be one of those posts I leave up for 24 hours before I change my mind, so don’t feel obligated to read any further.

You may ask why I am I writing this here, and not in a private journal that only requires me to cringe if I ever stumble across it again? For starters, it would be about four pages of this:

Wha-wah-wah, poke myself in the eye, wah-wah-wah.

And number two, I have a suspicion I am not the only person who passes by this blog who can be a tad on the “mean girl” side to herself.

My life is awesome. I feel so unworthy of it sometimes, and it’s complicated because I am not unaware that I have created a lot of what is awesome about it. I didn’t hijack someone else's life, or touch any magical artifacts at the same time as someone better than me and accidentally body snatch them…

But I can’t sleep.

I haven’t slept through the night, um? Ever. Or maybe twice. You’ll have to ask my mom about my baby days, but I know as a kid I had night terrors, and even when I was a teenager going to sleep was almost as hard as waking up in the morning, even if I had a new boyfriend or a band thing I was super excited about.

(I know how that sounds, but it was fun. I’ll never forget playing To Tame The Perilous Skies with the composer as the conductor. It rocked my tiny teenage brain almost as much as french kissing.)

To be fair, there have been a couple times I was temporarily blessed with “sleeping bliss,” both during my third trimesters of pregnancy wherein I slept 12 hours a day with pillows wedged around my body like a snow pack.

Did I say 12? I meant 20. Like a cat.

These days, while some nights are less mental than others, mostly I am in one of those lame “Ambien or nothin’” phases and I hate it. Then, while I’m busy not sleeping after everyone else has gone to bed, I tend to sit around and think rude things like, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just clean the trash out of my car before forcing myself to endure any more embarrassing carpool pickups?!” and you can’t just tell that voice to be quiet because it’s so true. I’ve been meaning to! Just like I meant to acquire a drivers license for the state of California three years sooner than I finally did. In other words, if you really can pave a road with good intentions, I still might not be allowed to drive on it.  

If I’m not shocking you with my deviant behavior, it’s possible I may be saving some of my worst offenses out of shame…


…like the shame I have about only helping my kids brush their teeth a few times a week even though the dentist has told me repeatedly that if I don’t help it doesn’t count. I even have charts and graphs and stickers, which only seem to serve as part of the guilt sandwich I eat every night when I realize they are unconscious and I forgot to check how well they brushed their own pearly, um, whites. Then I imagine what on earth I can say to the dentist when he see’s the kids next.

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry!

The moving pieces, the medicine dancing, the beautiful house, a nice marriage, beautiful kids, dishes in the sink, homework waiting until the last day, frantic mornings with the kids. I feel simultaneously like I’ve worked hard for what I have, and totally unworthy of it all. And today’s one of those days where my rude night voice has followed me into the sunshiny day.

I know you’re not supposed to compare your insides to other people’s outsides, but my problem isn’t comparing myself to super models I can never be, or wishing I had more, more, MORE… my problem is a lot like Levin from Anna Karenina (yes, I read more than just vampire trash, but vampire trash doesn’t take me 5 years to finish). He is a marvelous angsty character who struggles through the whole book to make sense of his birthright into wealth, the peasants who work for him, and his brief moments of divine clarity about God that refuse to transfer to the other 23 and a half hours of his day, or let’s face it, most of his life. 

My point is, even though I should just shut my trap, I feel a little overwhelmed that this many planets of good fortune aligned in my life all at once, but now it’s my job to keep them aligned. Like having accidently picked my husband because I thought he was kind of naughty, but he’s actually more of a kick-ass dad than he’s ever been a bad boy. One person should only be so lucky, and then I got a son… followed by a daughter! Yes, I WANT them, but do I deserve them? It’s true that I do stuff, too. Stuff that carries more weight when I blog about it, but sometimes I suspect I’m kind of lazy. There are people across the planet who carry water on their heads to make dinner and I hate being bothered with dishes. Again! and I really have to stop using paper plates since we moved in September. Even the kids have noticed that those “paper plates mommy just wants to use up” keep replenishing themselves.

At least I can predict since I’ve confessed this on a public forum my guilt will take over the teeth checking, but I still don’t see a real clear plan for how to make myself do dishes or like homework on Russell’s behalf. And I’m pretty sure the “mean girl” who wakes up around 9pm will continue to point out many of the wonderful things I try to forget, like how only 1 out of every 10 pictures of my own face doesn’t completely horrify me, or how in the machinery of life, like school or church functions, I’m more of a wrench than a gear.

That’s all. And thanks. I don’t know why this works, but confessing this here sort of makes the mean girl skulk off to make room for some of the conversations I can already imagine having with anyone who likes me enough to have made this far into such a pathetic rant.

Oh, and if you can’t read, I think this video sums up this post. Just imagine you are Alice's first somersault, and I am the second one that kind of falls to the side.


Tara@DTKMMLC said...

I was really debating leaving some funny/horrible comment like, "You don't help your kids brush their teeth twice a day? Your mothering is as rotten as your kids' teeth!" but then MY mean girl voice would have woken up and reminded me that I haven't supervised teeth brushing since Sunday night AND I'm pretty sure Dec hasn't eaten a vegetable in at least 10 days. He probably has Ricketts.

Those mean girls. Bitches, all of them.

Mine are only silenced by Ambien too.

Colby said...

You are pure awesome. I relate to this soooo much.

I love your brain

padruss said...

I think those are the best summer salts I have ever seen. dad

Brookelyn said...

So my sweet friend, you on your entirety are why I love you and know you are my soul. I don't think I'm brave enough to voice my mean girl thoughts. But know they are mean and unsensored and following me everywhere. But they keep me on my toes so I'm sure not to let them come to fruition, at least not in entirety :)

Alissa Rae King said...

So Ms. Funny Tara, Jon comes home and is reading this post behind me while I finish ruining dinner and after a few minutes his only comment is "heh heh, Ricketts"

Yeah, so thanks for that, oh and you got your kids to eat vegetables in the last ten days? How is that supposed to make me feel better? Can you at least tell me it's because you conned your friend Merideth into baking spinach into brownies? because that would take out the sting a little.

Alissa Rae King said...

Colby! You know there were days when anyone looking at the three of us, me, your lovely wife and you, and no one woukd have dreamt the lives we have before us now. Not many people in my life know how awesome I really am, or how rude my white trash mean girl can get. I think you just might. :) rock on, man! Kiss the wife and hug the babies for me and know that there are still a few of us who know how far you've come to win your lottery :)

Alissa Rae King said...

Padruss, she won't do anymore! Bring your mandolin, maybe she needs a little Red Hair Boy to make her flip :)

Alissa Rae King said...

Brooke, your heart is a river and I never have to pan for gold, I can just stand in the middle and hold out my hands. Xoxo :)

Erin said...

True story: Yesterday I was reading online about a study of how more kids are having to have dental surgery because they don't brush their, blah, blah, and then I read this and realized I STILL put Norah down without brushing her teeth...Then tonight I tried to brush her teeth and it was literally 30 seconds of her screaming and me jabbing her in the mouth. So, whatever. Check it off my list, I'm going to watch TV and ignore the laundry.

My mean girl comes during the day if I don't have a million things to do. It's secretly the biggest reason why I have a job-if I'm home with my thoughts too long then I'm suddenly the worst person ever in my mind.

BUT I'm lucky to have honest friends like you to navigate this craziness with. Thanks for sharing. Hope you get some sleep.

Sharron said...

i would say more but i am still disturbed over your reference to teenaged french kissing, ycccchhhh (i am your mom after all, i am hard-wired to feel this way. you will be blogging about that around 10 yrs from now, ha ha ha). no, you never slept well. i personally saw your children woof down vegetables about 10 days ago so i know they do it regularly. most of your somersaults consisted of making it to the part where you were upside down with your head on the ground and you would just stay there for a long time watching the world. we have videos to prove it. nobody brushes their kids teeth like they 'should', its a bar dentists want you to aim for. love you!

Taryn said...

I stopped in for a quick visit, and came away glad that I did as usual!

I found this sentence particularly insightful: "I feel simultaneously like I’ve worked hard for what I have, and totally unworthy of it all." Ain't that the truth!

Here's hoping we can start to take a little more credit for what we do right (and work tirelessly for) so there will be a little less empty real-estate in our minds to fill up with our perceived failures.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts...you said it perfectly!

Alissa Rae King said...

Erin, I have this image in my head of "30 seconds of her screaming and me jabbing her in the mouth" that has made me laugh on several occasions, including inappropriate times in public places. just FYI.

and I thank you :)

Alissa Rae King said...

Taryn, I'm glad you stopped by again! It's always nice to see who is checking up on us and our antics over here :)

I agree with you, and sharing some of my mean girl nonsense here helps me realize how heavy it can get when you trap it in your head. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Stop by again :)

Alissa Rae King said...

mother? I want those video's. yesterday. it would explain a lot about some of the balance issues in my head... maybe I need to spend more time upside down to see the world right side up again? :)

Andrea said...

You are seriously so lucky, you find one out of 10 photos of yourself ok. I'm more like 1 in 47 :( And that was a fantastic first somersault! Love ya :)