Thursday, February 16, 2012

Someone SHOT me!

Just because it’s only a bow and heart shaped arrow doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting a little!

Listen, I have Valentine pictures to share this weekend that are SO FAB and dripping with cheery love feelings, you may actually need to wash your eyeballs with steak sauce to get the sugar out of them.

Today? Let’s actually talk about Valentines Day, you know, like friends who tell each other the truth.  

A combination of Jon’s car crash, a no show mechanic for the car we do have (and, in the spirit of truth telling, some less than stellar time management choices we have made the last few weeks), meant our Valentines began with no car and a carpool of kids waiting for pick-up. This resulted in the very rarely spotted Jon tantrum, including a little stomping and even a flying F word which I had thought extinct for some years in the jungle of his brain… even to the point of being suspicious that they’ve been migrating across our pillows during the nights of our long romance since lately my brain seems to have something of an infestation of sailor cursing. Either that, or when I was pregnant I gave all my articulate brain cells to the pint size lawyers I am raising, and have only been left with the four letter vocabulary of a stand up comedian.

So no car, sailor cursing, then fast forward to me standing in a field full of matching t-shirted K thru 3rd graders running laps for twenty minutes to loud party dance tunes and cheerfully earing money for the school… and my son standing on the side, face turned down, giant tears of frustration, and red fists tucked under his armpits, only to find out he is so mad not because he’s been hurt or scared, but because he “just doesn’t know why we are running!”

This was followed by a lovely free lunch of baked Cheetos's, apple slices, chocolate milk, and plain turkey sandwiches which was also, unfortunately, met with even more desperate hysteria and included a hundred tiny humans staring at my nice guy while I lovingly and firmly required him to complete the line and assemble his tray of food.

After which I allowed him to go his classroom and retrieve the bag lunch we had packed when we didn’t know there was free lunch.

There is a fine balance between understanding someone’s mental limitations, and not allowing them to get in the way of their own success. Requiring him to continue walking the laps, then requiring him to fill his tray with school lunch, didn’t hurt him, but somehow I know that sitting at a table full of his peers and requiring him to eat food he vehemently doesn’t want, would hurt.

Believe it or not, the reason I am even bringing this up, is because this Valentines catastrophe was an unprecedented success for me. Russell doesn’t usually act quite like that, his flavor of this ADHD thing usually takes on more of a relentless energy, rigid intensity, impulsive defiance (and don’t forget his passionately sweet nature and often unceasing optimism!), but not usually the rage and open mouth crying all day.

But I wasn’t phased. I get him. I just get him. And the same way my friend takes her naturally talented daughter to violin lessons a couple times a week, I am realizing that an artist’s life is full of torment and passion, success and failure. I’m beginning to view these episodes with new love and empathy, and I find I’m not as sucked into a drain of total despair that I am I raising a mad angsty person one minute, and a cheerful beam of light bouncing off the walls the next. Who am I to deny him the years of art he may create just from the rage of being forced to “Run For Your Heart!” in the Santiago Elementary Fundraising Marathon? 

These days, he simply shines like the silver moon in my great blue sky; he dazzles me and often keeps me up at night, each and every day is never quite the same as the day before, and occasionally things get so blue, I wander with my arms outstretched, grasping for a railing in the dark. Tonight was one of his “Cheshire Cat” nights, charming yet suspicious, also what my family calls the clever quarter moon skies.

Oh, and I believe I saw his full moon twice.

Yes, that moon.   

The point is, I kept looking for a map, an instruction manual, but Tuesday was proof of some of my new realizations taking root. I’ve realized I’m the map. I’m the compass. I’m the legend!

And I can do this.

Russell breaks every mold. Even the molds that they made for the kids that had already broken all the other, other, molds. But you know who molded him?

Me.

Or Jesus?

Or Jesus picked me to mold him? Whatever, I made him in my body. He looks like me and smells like his dad, he is our Valentine everyday, even when it is Valentines and he’s acting like a poop stain in front of the entire student body and all their parents.

That’s all, much cheerier pictures to follow soon, and I hope you all had a Happy Valentines, or Angsty Valentines, or isn’t there something about a massacre and two people who loved each other anyway that inspired this holiday? Happy that to all of you. LOVE me :)

2 comments:

Lorraine said...

hurray for being in love with your shining boy! What a really nice post, sister.

My V-Day Confession: I always made a point of traveling over Valentines when I was on my own, and called it "Pre-Presidents Day", but that's not actually my confession. My confession is that while now I have a husband who I still travel with over the holiday every year, and is great, and I love him, I still fantasize about what I USED to say I wanted for Vday, and secretly STILL want for Vday: A horse.

Sharron said...

I also love Russell SO FEROCIOUSLY much, he is a wonderfully wondrous person and what an excellent Valentine that he has you for his mom. Can't wait for the sugary pics!!!!!