Wednesday, May 4, 2011

It should be noted.

Alice says “Go. Way.”

Which usually means, “I’m having fun, don’t ruin it.”

And usually involves wearing my yellow dishwashing gloves on her feet and chasing spooky, or putting Russell’s toys in the toilet when he’s at school.

Yes, school! So far so good. More on that later. Like another post later! :)

Any. Way.

She also has been greeting her father when he gets home from work with HORRENDUS stories of injustice that have usually gone down HOURS before. She generally does this by being completely cheerful until she hears the front door open and then runs to him and has a breakdown while saying things like “Dad? Daddy? Jon? JON! Wook! Wook me! Mommy say no, NO! and Awice! No bite! No, no! ooky MY bites! No, no, ooky! Ruzzo go way, no happy, no, NO! happy… MY fwenz!”

I would like to say I have no idea what she is saying, but I’m practically fluent in this weird gibberish: after making absolutely sure she has his undivided attention, I believe I’m in trouble for putting her in time-out for biting, Spooky is in trouble for stealing food off her plate, she feels abandoned by Russell going to school, and she wants a cell phone so she can text all her friends.

Well, that last part may not be true, but it’s coming, and I know that last word is “friends.”

It’s not like she’s an unhappy dictator! In fact, I would say she is 80% pure awesome weirdo, and only 20% sociopath 2 year old, so why she feels the need to unburden herself at the end of each day is beyond me. I would videotape it except she a has a sixth sense for being filmed, or being asked to perform anything if someone besides us might possibly see her. 

Also, and most importantly, whenever we tell her we love her, before bed, randomly in the car, at the grocery store, wherever, well she can barely wait for us to finish before she exclaims “you’re welcome!!”

And that’s, of course, in crystal clear English so if anyone is around to witness it, they usually laugh at me because apparently she is doing me a favor by allowing me to adore her.

This is not going to end well.

Also “Watch!” means: playing with toys is not fun if you’re not watching me, so “watch!”

“Pah Pick It” is Polly Pocket

“Choo-choo rain” is for Train

and “Mere!” is for Come Here. Now. Or it will followed by incessant nasal hollering of “MAHM!”

Meaning Mom. But she says it like a jersey newsie selling papers on the corner. Over and over.

And over. 

In fact, she makes me answer her three times before she’ll continue.

“Mommy”

“Yes?”

“Mahm!”

“What?”

“MAHM!”

“WHAT?! I’m looking right at you!”

“No. I no wike it!”

You can probably figure that one out yourself. 

“Chi-chen” is Kitchen. Also known as “Uhngee, Tubby, and Bites” (hungry, tummy and bites.)

“Shit” is Shirt. Clear as a bell. She likes to tell people we meet about her pretty shirts. They look at me like I’m a terrible person. Which I sort of am, so that’s okay.

Last but not least, she prefers to wish people a “Happy Bird Day Syl-phee!” because her cousin Sylvie turned 2 about the same time as Alice learned to say Happy Birthday, so now no one gets their own birthday greeting. I’m sure the actual Sylvie would be okay with this.

And, not to be left in the dust by his sisters weirdness, it should also be noted that her five (almost SIX!) year old brother likes to use the phrase “I’ll see you The Next Day!” as his parting shot to family and friends alike, be it bedtime or leaving a playdate. Somehow he seems to capitalize the words “The Next Day” with his cheerful voice. Imagine the way you or I would say “See you tomorrow!”

It’s like that, only weirder.

And what’s even weirder than that, on Sunday night, after we had gone over the whole Easter thing again (he’s recently gotten wrapped up in the idea of Jon and I dying, and since I grow tired of discussing my own eventual demise at length, we’ve tried to steer his focus on the “coming back to life” part) , as I was tucking him in, turning off the lights and closing the door he said in his most charming cheerful voice:

“Mom? MOM! I’ll see you The Next Day!”

“Okay, Russell, I’ll see you the next day, too. Goodnight…”

“MOM? Mom!! I’ll see you the next time, when I die and I am dead, and I Come Back To Life… I’ll See You Then, Too!”

And then blew me a kiss.

Oy vey.

5 comments:

Lorraine said...

hahahahahhha maybe your best post yet.

Also, this is some sort of universal ironic punishment that Alice says your name 3 times even when she has your attention.

because I seem to remember when you were a teenager and not medicated, and I would say your name A THOUSAND TIMES and you would so absorbed in looking at the seam on your mattress that I couldn't get you to look up.

Thank you, Universe. Thank you.

Aimee said...

Yes--this is awesome! I think a conversation between Sylvie and Alice would sound totally insane if we could get them together. Sylvie could teach Alice "Focker Focking on the apicot tree" while Alice tells her all about the flowers on her pretty pink "shit." Throw in Alice's Jersey accent and we have the makings of a serious MTV reality show hit! Isn't it every mother's dream?

Stefanie said...

PLEASE post of video of her complaining to Jon! That sounds hilarious.

Erin said...

It may be my favorite thing in the universe that she says "You're welcome" when you tell her you love her. Because really, that's all these narcissistic little people are thinking. Like when I smile at Norah as she does something cute, she's almost too pleased with herself. I think she's saying "That's right. You should show me nothing but joy as I rule your life. Waaahaa haa."

Andrea said...

Do they really have to be this adorable? Because I already miss them so much!