Friday, January 28, 2011

That Snot Funny

I don’t really have a post to go with that title, but I wish I had thought of this sooner! I don’t even have a post surgery shot of Jon! (when you have a wife with a blog it’s wise to strike a deal before you go under the knife and come out on pain killers. Ah shucks!)

You guys, I’m a mess! You can tell because my house has never been so clean. Yes, it’s that bad! I haven’t been talking about any of this here, or even checking in with my best girls the way I should because, honestly? You know that girl in high school who was going to break up with her boyfriend, but then he did it first and she won’t stop talking about how devastated she is for like a bazillion years? (not that I ever did that, oh no, I was the model of maturity and poise.) Well, I don’t want to be that girl about my move to California.

And knowing myself, California is an easy target for what is making me angsty. I would probably be as much of a dope if I was still in Utah, only I would be doing it inside by a fire under a blanket with dorito’s instead of in a tank top with a tofu dog on the patio.

Let me say first, I’m not unhappy. I’m just a little nutty right now. I feel like my usual winter blues have lifted as the days are getting longer again and it’s not PITCH black by 4:30 anymore… I feel like the medicine I am on right now is just right. I take a little vyvanse 3-4 times a week when I know I need to be Business-Mom and then I skip it a few days a week so I can be just Mom-Mom.

One of the things I have always said about medicine, is that it is a tool. This is probably a bad analogy, but maybe it’s like a hammer. Not everyone uses a hammer the same way, some people might have a focused tap-tap-WHACK, some might just bang away until the nail is so far in that the wood just looks like it has a silver freckle, some people might only use a hammer for pulling OUT nails. When I am having a difficult time with the hard wiring of my brain sometimes a little medicine, a little external help remembering what it feels like to start and finish a task, just the practice of remembering HOW to start and finish a task… well it means I don’t need medicine everyday as much as I need to practice feeling focused every once in a while.

And I take xanex at night. I love my xanex so much I really do belong  residing an hour south of Hollywood. I love it so much I always ask my doctor if I should be worried that I like it too much. He already knows he prescribed me the smallest dose that exists so he asks me how many I take and how often, and I say one at 9pm every night with my sleepy time tea and he tries not to roll his eyes at me and then tells me to hold off on sending my email to A&E’s Intervention.

It all sounds so reasonable, huh? I don’t know what is wrong with me these days. Sometimes the every minutes of every days can feel so long. I feel like I go and go all day and at the end of the day before I go to bed I’m not sure what I actually accomplished. I’m a little stuck in the “meantime.” I read this book 15 years ago that my brain has referred to ever since, it was called “In The Meantime” by Iyanla VanZant. The gist of it is that the “meantime’s” of life is when you will do some of the most important growing and learning of your life. It’s the time between the separation and the divorce, the pregnancy and the birth, the mandatory waiting we have to do in life before something important begins.

I think I am in a few meantime's. We are entering the house hunt, even putting a bid on a short sale last week. Now THAT is “in the meantime” stuff! The bank won’t even glance at our offer for probably 60 days. It’s amazing how you can be made to feel pitiful about the measly hundreds of thousands of dollars you are offering in a market where numbers are everything and people are pawns.

I know things will change for me when Russell starts elementary school five days a week in August, and I can’t even imagine Alice in preschool in a year and a half. Even now, when Russell is gone and Alice is sleeping and the dishes are done, I feel like there are so many things I want to do with my time… but then I know Alice will wake up in half an hour and an hour after that we have to go get Russell. I have a hard time getting started on something, and an even harder time getting interrupted when I get started. It makes me GRUMPY. And, you know, I really didn’t go down this road so that one day I could be a grumpy mad distracted mom.

I guess what that means is that right now I am spending a lot of time making beds, loading and unloading dishes, and the washer, and the dryer, sweeping under highchairs, making plans, directing the people, bossing the people, telling the people “We are having fun right now and anyone who is not having fun can either be taken straight home or apply for my job of under appreciated event planner/house keeper/nurse/wife/chauffer AND cat box cleaner!” Among other things.

You know what would be nice? Being allowed to talk on the phone again when I want to. Not having to use my only quiet half hour on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday to call people, but also not having to hide in the bathroom or use a nice pleasant voice on the phone while simultaneously making horrendous angry faces accompanied by fist shaking at the golden children who are making a human totem pole to unlock the kitchen.

And breath. Whew! I just reread all that and I have to say a little bit of a vent actually helped me feel better. I assume that is what you came here for? To hear me complain about how hard my life is in the scheme of the universe? Yeah, sorry, I know it’s not hard. Honestly, the guilt of how not hard my life is “in the scheme of the universe” may be one of the things that keeps me from taking a second to throw up my hands, and yell into the the midnight sky (at 5:15pm) and say “I’M TIRED! I CAN’T REMEMBER LIFE BEFORE CHILDREN! I DON’T WANT SPAGETTI TONIGHT BUT I KNOW EVERYONE WILL EAT IT! I WANT WHOEVER PEE’D ON THE TOILET SEAT TO WIPE OFF THE TOILET SEAT! I WANT THE FUTURE ME TO APPEAR RIGHT NOW AND TELL ME THAT I RAISED WELL ADJUSTED INDEPEDANT CHILDREN WHO DIDN’T DIE IN SOME FREAK ACCIDENT AND I HAD TO GO TALK ABOUT IT ON OPRAH! AND… and… and… TOMORROW MORNING? IF IT’S NOT TOO MUCH, I WOULD LIKE TO EAT MY EGGS WHILE THEY ARE STILL HOT!” and that’s all. For now. And then after that, maybe I could go back and have calm, gracious gratitude for my life as I thoughtfully prepare for the next chapter of my life. You know, the chapter that wakes me up at 2am so I will HAVE time to think about it?

Yeah, I think there might be a teensy bit more venting in the years to come, but I’m good for today. Sorry , no pictures, but here’s the link for an awesome video Alice and I watched on sesame street today :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Py2f38iPBeI&feature=player_embedded

4 comments:

Ryan and Lillian said...

It's nice to know (in a twisted way) that I am not alone in feeling so frustrated and yet so happy about being a mom... Thank you once again for sharing and putting into words what others cannot.

Deanna said...

I totally agree with Lillian. We all feel this way, but most of us never express ourselves and just keep it locked up and then suddenly, out of no where we explode at our darling husband or child. Thanks for your posts.

Alissa Rae King said...

Oh my gosh, girls, you are both too nice! And kick ass moms if I do say so myself, your nice words really made my day :)

Andrea said...

G-
R-
U-
M-
P-
Y-

M-
O-
M-

Ok, I was going to come up with some witty acronym for grumpy mom so I googled "dictionary for kids" to come up with word ideas. I went to the first link which is "Yahoo! Kids" and typed "g" into the search engine. As I was scanning the words, the 12th entry was g spot. Then I got derailed typing in other "dirty words" to see what kind of education kids are getting from Yahoo! Kids. (I didn't really find anything else, which is funny since the definition of g spot included a few of the words I searched for.) Anyway, great post!