Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I hate brushing my teeth.

No seriously. I hate it.

I DO it! I just… ugh.

On the other hand, I am a champion flosser. I would floss all day long if you gave me a reason. Like Corn Day. There has to be a day like that somewhere, right? I mean I was the Lamb Queen for heavens sake. Of LAMB Days. I bet there is a "Corn Days" somewhere, and I am going to find it. And then I am going to get a pack of floss for each back pocket, and I am going to GO!

It’s just so satisfying! Before you go to bed, you head in the bathroom and try to pretend you don’t see that damn toothbrush staring right at you when you grab the floss and POP! POP! POP! Hahaha, I totally grossed you out there, didn’t I? But seriously, people: No Sawing! Isn’t it bad enough that we have to follow this with brushing? Just up and down, POP POP POP. Them’s the rules.

Anyway, so then you g e t y o u r t o o t h b r u s h h h h h h . . . (that’s me attempting to write in slow motion. If you think it looks weird you should have seen my face when I was typing and sounding it out slowly like that would help me convey the slowness)

blah blah blah. Gosh, I hate brushing my teeth. It’s SO BORING I can’t even bring myself to type about it. The problem isn’t the actual brushing, once I get going I don’t even mind it as much a I do just thinking about it, but there is something about it that just interrupts my life! You can not multitask and brush. I don’t need to multitask when I floss, ‘cause flossing is awesome, but brushing is boring. I can’t read a book unless I hold it up directly in front of my face. In my bathroom. In my underwear. I can’t cruise the web because, really, by the time you wet the brush, apply the paste, start brushing, get to the computer, sit down, navigate slowly with your LEFT hand because the only thing more awkward then moving the mouse with the wrong hand is trying to brush your damn back molars with it, and by now it’s already time to spit, and I knew I should have just stayed in the bathroom! And you can’t really watch tv because, holy crap, the brushing sound inside my face is so much louder than it has to be.

And don’t get me started on my electric toothbrush. The love/hate relationship we have could get it’s own reality show. It makes my mouth feel SPANKING NEW every time! SO fresh, SO clean! My teeth feel like they went through the $10 car wash at the gas station instead of the $4 bare minimum one that you might as well skip because when you select it even the automated machine seems to give you a dirty look on behalf of your car.

But 2 minutes. TWO MINUTES! I am not saying I don’t brush my teeth for two minutes with a regular brush, but at least my Oral B isn’t TIMING me. Or bossing me around with beeps. Or making me feel like a schmuck for quitting 15 seconds early because THEY ARE CLEAN ALREADY.

So, um… make a note, ADD and oral hygiene are not friends. Just FYI.


The Farrell Family said...

Ok, this is totally cracking me up. Let me just say that I also H-A-T-E brushing my teeth. Always have. Boo. Takes too much time and I don't like the taste of toothpaste. When I'm pregnant it makes me gag and throw up so I feel pretty good about myself if I can get one brushing a day in. Since I am currently not in the sick phase of pregnancy, I'm back to two-a-days, but there was a good four months of just one time per day. So just so you know, there is a fellow tooth brushing hater out there. Now, if only I shared your passion for flossing.

Andrea said...

I HATE flossing, but I really like brushing. I may like it too much, because I have totally brushed myself into receded gums already! I may need to lay off the brush a bit.

Lex' Blog said...

Ha ha ha, that ROCKED! It totally made my day. I had never thought about the intricacies and maladies involved in brushing teeth. I feel like I own the Ford Pinto of toothbrushes and need to upgrade to the ferrari after your talk of the electric brush.

Emily and Hyrum said...

Ok. So you are just funny. You really are such a good writer. I shouldn't be surprised. You have always been a good entertainer-so why not on your blog? I'm suffering from good blog-writting envy.

Alexi Wilcox said...

That was really funny!