Monday, December 21, 2009

Naked In The Backyard

Spring cleaning has nothing on my "Holiday Cleaning". Having moved so often around Christmas the last two years, I haven’t been able to get in and do the tossing of things, shining of surfaces or the organizing of all the dark corners that makes me feel like the twinkle lights on my tree are pleased with me. So when I find moments aren't consumed by keeping people alive, or developing calluses on my stitching fingers (yippee!), I have been virtually emptying each room in my house and putting everything back in, minus a lot of junk and dust!

This has been relatively satisfying and not requiring any real courage, but there are two things that FREAK ME OUT.

They are The Garage and Russell’s Playhouse. It’s been so cold out (no arguing, utah! when you expect it to be warm it feels even colder!), and they are both so lonely for our attention... that every year they invite friends. Black friends with eight legs that eat their husbands and show off their red tramp stamps partying late into the night. In our stuff.

Oh our poor garage! It is such a sad testament to the years of moving and new people arriving to our family, who demand food and attention at all hours, while still steering the other food-eating smell-making person away from sharp objects or streets! That and the the lack of focus or energy Jon and I have after those people finally zonk at night.

It’s bad. We try not to open the garage at night when the lights inside make it even more obvious what TOTAL SLOBS we are capable of being. I actually broke down and cried about a month ago when I accidently left it open ALL DAY. I did not care one bit that someone could have broken into my house and rummaged through my tidy underwear drawers to find my pearls (which I don’t actually have, or keep in my underwear drawer for any potential pearl thieves out there), but I was appalled that people could walk by at their LEISURE and observe the chaos.

I have derailed. So (obviously) I am not going to be tackling that area of our house by myself, but I did pull myself together this morning and went at that play house straight on. Yeah, maybe I wasn't as prepared as I could have been, with only one rubber glove in my possession, but at least it was right handed! I tucked my long sleeve tight under the rubber, put Alice down for her nap, and Russell and I went out and began.

And!!...

...nothing, really. Lot’s of spider webs and dirty, scummy, dust, some dismembered limbs and angry eyes from our giant Mr. Potato Head, and trains-Trains-TRAINS. Those needed spraying with the hose so I placed them into a laundry basket with bbq tongs. We didn’t see one deadly spider. And it’s not that I stopped looking, or grew brazen, I just got faster and before long, we were all done.

With everything out on the grass drying, the house swept out, the door sprayed off, the patio furniture freshly arranged, we were almost done! Then I saw it, a picnic blanket Russell had taken outside who-knows-when sitting folded up kind of smooshed under the wall of the house behind an old box we keep the hose in.

Well, I’m no dummy, I grab my trusty tongs and slide the blanket away from the wall, and sure enough skittering black husband killers fake left then run right! All while a massive grody cricket hops forward (toward me!!) trying to scramble back to the cover of the blanket.

Ugh! It startled me! So I’ve dropped the blanket from my tongs and I’m debating what to do... and that's when I decide I will just open it up with my tongs a little and see if there are any more surprises inside before I abandon this and wait for Jon.

...

My first sign should have been the sound with which the blanket opened, kind of like a ‘shripping’ sound. It wasn’t hard to open, but there was a kind of resistance. You know it happened so fast, but it felt like it took forever! The opening...

...and the ‘shripping’...

...and the sudden realization I have just disturbed some kind of nest…

The first thing I thought was it was a massive spider nest, and I’m still not sure what it was holding with all the white webbing and spider bodies I could see, because the next thing I know

THE BIGGEST LIZARD YOU HAVE EVER SEEN

is escaping the confines of it’s spider web nest and is heading towards my tongs,

my arm,

MY FACE!!

I’m not sure where Russell is during all this and some mother instinct must have kept me from throwing the whole damn poisonous mess, OR LETTING GO OF THE TONGS, because now there is a DINOSAUR CLIMBING UP MY ARM. And I can FEEL it’s claws through my shirt. And I am trying to scream but I’m so freaked out I don’t even KNOW how to start screaming and now it’s turning around! Of course THAT is when I let go of the tongs. Awesome, now he has NOWHERE TO GO and there is a PREHISTORIC CREATURE STUCK ON MY BODY that just came out of the SHRIPPING NEST!!

And I am surprised I am alive to write this because it FREAKED and ran right at my face and then DISAPPEARED.

I do not KNOW where it went!

I still don’t.

Maybe jumped? Maybe fell? Maybe whatever! I did a mad hair dance that would have made any 80’s rock band proud then took off my shirt! In the back yard.

And found my scream.

It really didn’t help. I threw open the backdoor and relieved myself of every stitch of clothing in about 2.5 seconds and was in the shower about 2.5 seconds after that, all the while trying to keep my heart in my chest and talk to Russell, who was standing outside the bathroom door trying to decide if he is entertained or freaked out, by telling him in a voice that didn’t seem like my own, "Mommy is so silly! Mommy got a little startled!”

1221091516 Seriously.

3 comments:

Jon said...

I know that lizard. He used to live under the box that holds the hose, sounds like he upgraded to a more posh living situation. He was a foot long several months ago, I am sure he has grown since he lives with the crickets he eats for dinner. You should have left it for me, I would have been more amused.

Crystal said...

Well speaking of Black Widows. I am a Biology teacher so of course all students and parents think I want the things. So here comes one to me in a jar with an egg sack covered with a cheese cloth. I don't really know what to do with the thing so I put in a corner and forget about it. I am working at my desk a few days later when I see spider web trails, then a lot of web trails! Look over at the jar. Lots of web trails coming through the holes in the cheese cloth!!!! To enbarred to call mantainance, I call Matt practacly histerical "Come and bring spider killer!!!. I box up the jar double tape it, start washing everything insight and then spray spray spray! I make Matt take the double boxed spider to the dumpster and never tell a soul! I moved out of the room and I tell you what I still wouldn't get in the cupboards in there!

Andrea said...

I like lizards, and your story still creeped me out! I am going to have to go over to some blog with a happy story now so that I don't dream of black widows and giant lizards tonight. Thanks a lot...