Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Sometimes the Blackness Consumes

I’m having a black morning. And I’m blogging about it. Uh oh. Fortunately I have this blog (or unfortunately?) my thoughts these days are so scattered the only time I feel like I can wrestle all my brains into a coherent thought is when I’m here. Sometimes it seems like my journal just yells at me, “well, do you feel better now?” Filling white pages with black thoughts. I can't say why, but blogging is better for me.

I can not express what it feels like to be staring down the barrel of medication again. I am an advocate for medication. Big fan. A little bit of the right thing can change your stars. Some people will go through life and never need it, some will need it sometimes, and others will become addicted to sleeping pills because, well, they put you to sleep. And we all love sleep.

Medication is a dance I have done my whole life. And the past couple weeks I’m depressed. Clinically and seriously depressed. I feel like I’m not supposed to say that out loud. Maybe I can admit it retrospect. But now? Right now while I’m still searching for the light switch? Well, what else am I supposed to do.

OH EHM GEE. So yeah, the medicine dance, but did I mention the other dance? The one with mysterious writhing pains that send me to the ER, or chest pains and heart palpitations, kidney stone after kidney stone? Interstitial cystitis (that’s where my bladder cracks and bleeds like an old rubber band. oh and TRIES TO RIP ITSELF OUT OF MY BODY. for no reason).

Well, for the first time in my life I am on ZERO medication. And for the fist time in 12 years I am HEALTHY. No kidney stone in sight. The only emergency room I have seen since I gave birth was sitting by the bed of one of my heroic babies. And the doctors were much more cheerful to “child with burn” then they are to “woman with curious pain that you can’t put a cast on”

So that’s it. I’m not one to rage at the universe but WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO PICK BETWEEN MY MENTAL HEALTH AND MY PHYSICAL HEALTH?! I can’t be the mom and wife I desperately want to be if I’m suffering from debilitating chronic pain, and I can’t be the mom and wife I want to be when the sadness is so overwhelming and unreasonable that my limbs actually tingle from grief. It’s not always as bad as today, but today is particularly bad because I know the therapy I’ve been putting myself through just isn’t going to cut it. And I don’t know what to do.

I am suffering from ADD. And I MEAN suffering. I have read that women who don’t get diagnosed as children often get diagnosed after getting married or having children because your life falls to complete chaos as the coping skills you’ve been building your whole life become totally useless in your new role and all the new hormones. Since I did get diagnosed as a kid I should have seen this coming, but I didn’t. I just thought I was more prepared to take it a day at a time.

Nothing can prepare you for two children. Two children is 4 times as hard as one. And nothing could have prepared me for the chaos of being pregnant, gaining 50 pounds on top of what was already the highest weight of my life, selling my home, moving cross country, trying to meet people when I was OVER TWO HUNDRED POUNDS and PREGNANT, or being a new mom with a feisty 4 year old “hitting every single person in his class”

I love California, I like my new friends here, too, but I miss my girlfriends so much. I’m going to take a break here and go cry hard.

Dear Girlfriends, You know how I always hang up every call with an I LOVE YOU, and when there was an occasion to party I always did and somewhere in there I would always make everyone patiently uncomfortable while I spout off about my love feelings for all the people in the room and about how I couldn’t survive without you? Well, I was SERIOUS! I can’t LIVE WITHOUT YOU

If for nothing else just to have a friend who would watch the kids for an hour (or three) so I could go talk to someone about getting the medication I so obviously need. Oh, and go to the dentist. I have a toothache.

The worst part for me is that when you suffer from depression, your whole family suffers with you. Russell has been relegated to the backyard while I write this and Alice is on the ground by my chair being charming and fab and I kinda don’t care. And Jon, well, he loves me. And he worries. Worry can eat through your body like acid when it’s a constant companion. And that’s my fault, too.

See, I told you, black like an old banana. Sorry.


Kate said...

Alissa, this is not your fault. Please don't ever believe that it is. Depression and ADD are no more your fault than brain cancer is someone's fault. So stopit with the blaming.

I'm coming this weekend and we are going to do some serious hanging out and I'm going to love on you and your babies.

LorraineinSpain said...

there's girlfriend hangouts for you on the horizon in Utah-just a little longer!

and maybe soon, if all goes according to plan, you'll have a best forever and ever blood related girlfriend nearby who will happily take the kids for an hour or three :)

love you

Erin said...

Alissa, we LOVE YOU too. I think I can speak for all the girlfriends back here in Utah when I say that you have touched each of our lives and we miss you and pray for you and, and, we just LOVE YOU TO PIECES!!
You may not feel like you are strong right now, but Alissa, you are a constant example to me. I've never met anyone who is so strong and so brave. There aren't many people who could have taken on all that you have had to this past year (and more) and still be standing. And what I love the most is that you have the courage to share your battles with us!
I don't think I could ever tell you how much you've helped me. Without you I would never have had the courage to address my own depression; I wouldn't have anyone to come to when I can't figure out my marriage; Oh, and being a mother, that would be totally out of the question. But because I know I have you, I can take on these challenges too. So I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for being such a fighter: it means SO much to me.

Scott and Stefie Shoell said...

I LOVE YOU DEAREST! I'm in tears right now as I've read this, wishing I could help in some way. I'm sorry about the depression. It's a real bitch!!! I wish it was as simple as "go eat an organic salad and you'll feel better" (someone actually said that to me) It's a constant struggle sometimes. Maybe you should come home and visit :)