Friday, July 31, 2009

G-Force (not the movie. the elderly.)

(disclaimer: I really, truly, like elderly people, they "oooh" and "awe" over Alice in the grocery store, plus I have immense respect for history, lessons learned, and all that jazz. So... I’m hoping for a pass on some of my ranting here because my raging mother hormones/adrenaline are still shooting out of my head while I write this.)

We live on an island. If you were to replace the word 'water' with 'retirement community' that is. We live in a really great neighborhood filled with all kinds of families, but surrounding us is the place that Jon dreams about when he toils away at his desk; Leisure World. It’s a place where you can ride a shuttle to the Von’s Grocery Store, there’s a pharmacy on every corner, and you’re more likely to find a store for insoles and oxygen tanks than a bikini’s and board shorts.

The roads around here are very safe (even if everyone seems to be going 10 mph below the posted speed limit), so it’s not the streets you have to worry about, it’s the parking lots. The first week I was here I saw at least 8 minor car accidents in the Trader Joe’s parking lot alone, most of them perpetrated by drivers I couldn’t see over their steering wheel (I’m not being rude! I really wasn’t sure there was ANYONE DRIVING), and they are in cars that are so wide I’m surprised California hasn’t given them some sort of warning label.

So today when my friend, my weirdo, my Russell, grabbed my HOT HOT HOT curling iron with BOTH of his divine edible hands, I was really up against the G-Force getting him to the ER. G as in Geriatric.

Nothing clever here, It. Was. Awful. I made some frantic phone calls, dropped Alice off with a neighbor, dumped frozen peas into a bowl over his little blistering palm and began the frantic drive to the ER. 10 miles BELOW THE SPEED LIMIT. Are you kidding me?! Even the stoplights are all “What’s your hurry, sonny?”

When I finally arrive at the ER the entrance seems to be blocked by some kind of construction obstacle coarse and, holy cow, there are no spots! In the back of my car my person that I made in my body is making these horrible guttural sobs so when I see reverse lights go on in a handicapped spot I book it on over. And wait.

OMG. Do you think you could do your 9 point turn in slow motion somewhere OTHER THE THE EMERGENCY ROOM PARKING LOT?! Look, I get it, we’re all gonna die someday but if you don’t GET OUT OF MY WAY you are going to die TODAY.

A few hours later we got in the spot and as I sit here writing this my legs are sore! It might have something to do with the 200 yard dash carrying a 45 pound 4 year over my shoulder, uphill, around the bulldozer, and under the tarp. Both ways. In the Snow. Are you kidding me? Maybe they are using it as a way of weeding out the Leisure Landers. Many will head to the ER, only a few will make it.

We made it.


Ok! So way to go me, saving the day, burning calories on the way. I might even have felt like an okay mom until the doctor came in and asked Russell what happened. I was totally prepared to feel like crap about the curling iron (and trust me I do), but what comes out of the mouth of my shining son? The one who I just hauled across the land and sea to submerge his throbbing fingers into this $4,000 dollar icy cold blue jelly substance?! He looks right at the doctor and says as clear as a bell “My daddy kick me in my butt and I hit my face on the wall!”

First of all, that is NOT what happened! Second of all, that was MONTHS AGO! Agh! Ugh. Never mind. As I shrivel up and die I do feel at least a little bit better when the doctor laughs out loud and says, "No, I meant to your hand." Fortunately CPS didn't drop out of the ceiling and as you can see, we got him all taken care of. Though I admit I was still looking over my shoulder for social services as we drove away, and I knew if I could just make it out of the parking lot before the seasoned gentleman in the Buick next to me began to extricate himself from his spot, then it would be several days before anyone could get out of the parking lot to follow me.


padruss said...

Nice writing. Too bad it was at the expence of Russell's hand. I'm reporting Jon to social services. Reminds me of the time we duct tapped you to the hood of the car and drove around the nighborhood. dad

Andrea said...

Oh no! You have made me laugh and cry all at the same time. Tell Jon not to feel bad, I blackened Olivia's eye with a door knob when she was about 4 right before my Grandpa's huge 80th birthday party. She still talks about it. How is Russell's hand doing now? Kiss him for me. Love you guys. And I don't think you ever told me about this duct tape incident!

LM said...

Wow, I am glad he is okay. MaryAnn's daughter reached up and grabbed an iron that was left on and did the same thing, biggest blisters I have ever seen! I hope he has a speedy recovery!

Caroline Kingsley said...

On the bright side, we are foster care licensed for one more child :p

Alissa Rae King said...


David made a comment about your link:

"I feel so bad for the little guy, but the picture is priceless."

Bryan made a comment about your link:

"Thanks for the engaging description of the event! Did Russel share some of his 'special candy' from the doctor to help you write so cleverly? I know it would take some Jim Morrison-level drugs make me so poetic (I was going to say 'Michael Jackson' but too soon, right?)"

Jacqui Evans commented on your status:

"ask your Dad about the time we played king of the mountain at the beach and my foot went into a pit!!!!!!!! yep three months in crutches third degree burns no fun! that is the worst sorry...."

Faby posted something on your Wall and wrote:

"OMG i just read your blog and i still cant believe he said that to the doctor, haha That was so cute i love Russ i hope he is doing better and dont feel bad, it was an accident and now i know for sure it wont happen again, he is a smart boy! and i love the way you write your stories it make me feel im there listening to you instead of just reading them from your blog you are amazing!"

Julieann made a comment about your link:

"oh Alissa--I feel your pain and frustration! When we lived in San Diego, we too lived in a retirement community. For all of you who might be thinking she is exaggerating just a tad--she is in fact being completely accurate in her description of sharing the road with road rage generating, cute, little, ancient beings :) I truly hope Russell feels better soon."

Stacy made a comment about your link:

"poor thing !! I hope he gets better soon !! call me if u need anything"

Tina made a comment about your link:

"Poor little guy, that must have REALLY hurt! He's a trooper and you are a great MOM!! =)"

Kate made a comment about your link:

"Poor thing! Meagan got burned when she was just about his age, but on a wood burning stove! Hope his hands heal fast!!"

Jillian made a comment about your link:

"Poor little guy, and poor mommy, too!"

Laura Worley commented on your status:

"Oh no!! What happened?? Oh I wish I can offer some help :(
I hope he heals quickly. Give him some hugs."

Stefanie Walker Shoell commented on your status:

"UG! I'm sorry! That is horrid. Poor Russell :("

Jason Bellows commented on your status:

"I remember when that happened to me. Sorta. I was young. Really, I don't think I suffered at all. My mommy gave me ice cream, and that's what I really remember."

Christy A King commented on your status:

"oh no!!!!! how did that happen?"